I am

Temi the disturbed...

“Temi you’re doing it again” my wife whispers; forcing me back to the reality I so wilfully wandered away from.

She stares at me a little longer, her eyes asking me the same question as always ‘What are you thinking about’? and I do what I always do, shake my head and offer her my most reassuring smile. She smiles back but I do not miss the gleam of sadness in her eyes.

I take her hand in mine and plant a kiss on her palm and she looks away from me.

I love my wife. I really do.

However, for some reason talking to her has become the hardest thing for me.

I have tried, countless times to explain to her why I ‘zone out’ as she calls it.

Why I find it difficult to be present in the moment.

Why nothing seems to bring me joy or satisfaction anymore.

But how do I explain to her that for the last seven years, my sanity has been slipping away from me? How do I tell her that every day I wake up I struggle with the maddening urge to pull apart all we have built together and start again? How do I tell her that my earthly tethers are loosened and I am no longer grounded to this earth? How can I explain to her that the many months of therapy and tiring counseling have done little to nothing for me?

‘Existential crisis’ they said

‘Borderline personality disorder’

‘Maladaptive daydreaming’

So many different diagnoses. All of which are wrong.

I am simply dissatisfied.

I recline into my seat as the chatter of friends and family around us fade into the background.

The cool night air caresses me and my eyes grow heavy.

Yet again tonight, I am whisked away in the whirlpool of my thoughts.

How much longer can you keep up like this Temi?

What exactly do you want?

The laughter of my family echoes as I walk down the tunnel of my consciousness, ignoring the celebratory dinner taking place in my backyard.

Fulfilment.

That is all I want.

You have everything a man your age could want.

Houses, A company, A beautiful wife, Three wonderful children, Cars, Friends, Family…

How is it that you are not fulfilled? My consciousness asks

I do not know; has remained my answer for almost a decade.

There is something more… something bigger but I can’t quite place my finger on it.

I have never been religious. I only pray before I eat as a habit picked up from my parents. But I do not believe in ‘A God’ or in any gods.

I believe in science, logic and reality. Anything beyond that is beyond me.

Yet, as the whirlpool of my thoughts continues to go about me, I find myself drowning in the familiar sense of frustration and despair.

My heart seems to beat ten times faster as my desperation grows with an urgency.

I struggle to catch my breath and although I feel disconnected from my body, I do not miss the heavy sheet of sweat that covers me.

What is happening to me? I think.

Why am I so restless?

“Oh God…where has my peace gone?” I ask without thinking.

Lightning in the distance catches my attention and I watch helplessly as the night sky is disturbed by the light.

Lightning strikes three times, and I notice that thunder does not follow.

I do not know if this is another daydream or reality but I am unable to look away.

“Temi…” a voice calls, and somehow, I know the voice.

That voice does not belong to my friends or family. But I know that voice.

I try to answer, but my voice fails me.

Squinting, I continue to look in the distance as the clouds begin to gather.

“What are you looking for?” the voice asks.

“You” I answer pleadingly.

“Who?” The voice asks.

Moments tick by and I know I cannot lie.

“God?” I ask shakily.

I must have completely lost my mind.

God? Do I really think I am talking to God?

A shiver trickles down my spine as I think that in a few minutes, I might just tear my clothes off and begin to roam the streets of Abuja as a full-fledged madman.

An atheist through and through, talking to God on a random Friday evening, in the luxury of his backyard. How absurd.

In that moment thunder rumbles like a thousand drums, causing me to jump in my seat.

I watch in stupefied awe as a hand emerges from the clouds, glittering as though formed with the stars of the night sky. The hand reaches down and gathers sand from the ground. Mere seconds later, the hand tilts to pour the sand back but instead, water gushes from the hand with the force of a dangerous waterfall. The crashing sound of the waterfall sends a wave of what smells like fear but tastes like comfort over me.

“I AM” the voice says with finality and the clouds retreat.  

I look around me as the conversation I abandoned minutes ago comes back into focus.

My wife’s hand feels warm in mine and my heartbeat steadies itself.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

I nod my head with a smile as the air takes on a sea-like scent.

So, this is it?

Peace…

“I am” I say truthfully.

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Thank you for reading!

This post is dedicated to Eyitemi Fadayomi